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The Etiquette Of A Drunken Stupor

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I know what you are thinking, “Oh Sam, how creative, a blog post about Rob Ford smoking crack. Aren’t you original?” I understand your dry sarcastic tone, and I don’t like it, so cut it out. I am going to write this blog, and you are going to freaking like it.

Let’s begin! For those who have a social life and don’t have time to check their Twits, Foosebooks, Instahollers, SnoopyDoop Chats, and other Medias, I will break some news to you here, right now. The mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, smoked crack-cocaine*.

*Does no one else find it absolutely hilarious the way the media says “crack-cocaine?” Just say it out loud in a formal tone. Imagine your not so with-it dad saying “crack-cocaine”. Why don’t they just say crack or cocaine? Why is it hyphenated like the last name of a child with divorced parents? I digress.

After many a months of denial the mayor admitted to smoking “crack-cocaine”. He attributed the use of that frosty coco snow to a drunken stupor. The mayor was so inebriated that he was in a state of unconsciousness, or as we kids like to say; he was white girl wasted. In this condition, he somehow managed to stumble into a bad neighborhood, meet up with some thugs, enter their den of fun, and was offered “crack-cocaine.” He responded, by of course, smoking that sweet dome of the rock.

Same.

Same.

As a young adult, I must say when I speak as the voice of my generation, that I’m a professional at drunken stupors. I have filled 2-3 days a week for the last 2 years of my life with them. But, I have yet to stumble my way into smoking “crack-cocaine.” My problem with the mayor of Toronto smoking “crack-cocaine” isn’t that of politics. It is that he has single-handedly ruined the ability for us funyons (fun young people) to continue to use the excuse of being in a drunken stupor. He has completely discredited the trump card we use to rationalize our behavior.

We should not be able to just write anything off as a drunken stupor. We have to be accountable at some point, and that point probably starts around doing “crack-cocaine.” Mayor Ford, I do not accept your excuse, you went over the line, and your actions have hurt my ability to get drunk and make poor decisions.

Stuporing about as a Youth.

Stuporing about as a Youth.

I have forged a list of activities that are acceptable to be written off as amicable while in a drunken stupor that may or may not resemble my Saturday night.

1. Urinate in Public. When you’ve got to tinkle, let it sprinkle. We all know the doomed breaking of the seal, the stream never ends! When you are drunk, it is perfectly fine to urinate wherever you want. According to Freud, your Id needs to be satisfied, and it wants you to pee, so pee.

2. Text girls. There is nothing wrong with texting a girl sentences that seem coherent at the time. They don’t call alcohol liquid confidence for nothing. Everything you do when drunk seems like the right thing to do, and it probably is. Get the 3 D’s across while dickered. Be sure to slur your desires, dreams, and devotions over a text to any girl. You won’t regret it.

3. Vomit nonchalantly. Vomiting is a spiritual act. It literally cleanses your body of bad omens. I recommend vomiting often for health and religious purposes. But, we can’t always be fortunate enough to have the flu! Vomiting is tough to initiate, which is why drunken stupors are the perfect time to throw up. Go for it! Binge and purge wherever and whenever you want! On a sidewalk, your friends sink, David Memling’s snack bowl. Heave your night away!

4. Eat cheap Chinese Food. Never in your sober life should you say “this $3 Chinese food seems like the best idea!” But you are in a drunken stupor, that swine-infected chow mein is just what the doctor ordered! Fill your face with hot and spicy soup that has the consistency of freshly donated semen, you deserve it!

5. Throw Knives. You love ninjas! This is the perfect time to begin your training. Grab any household knife: bread knife, carving knife, kitchen knife- whatever your heart desires. Take said knife and throw it anywhere! Aim for your parents’ vase that dates back to Paris, 1867 or the assorted fruit above your friends head. You are in a drunken stupor, and you are a ninja, IT’S FINE!

#Preach

#Preach

Alcohol unlocks the door to weird. It takes us on journeys we wish we could remember. As fun as alcohol can be, we must be sure that when participating in a drunken stupor we limit our extremes to menial things like a break dance fight, taking shirtless photos with your bros, and casual discussions about Ryan Gosling. We can’t push the limits of what is acceptable while stuporing around, or else we will lose the ability to use it as a legitimate excuse. Getting off on that “crack-cocaine” is beyond the boundaries. This is why I call upon all young-adults who are part of the intoxication-nation to demand an apology from Mayor Rob Ford, for wasting OUR legitimate excuse on something so absurd. He has tarnished our excuse, and who knows if it will ever be acceptable again.

The next time you show up at work hung-over, and your work suffers, prompting your boss to ask for an explanation, and she no longer accepts “I was in a drunken stupor last night” as a valid response- you know there is only one person to blame for your misfortune: Rob Ford.

Read my last blog on Movember!

Sam Berns

Sam Berns