Yesterday I Was a Student, Today I am Unemployed


Well today I finished University, which means all those long years and late nights hardly working have finally paid off into a lifetime of insurmountable debt! Four years ago I left home to go to the University of Guelph to get my degree in Philosophy, with the dream of one day going to law school, and now that I am finished University, and have gotten my three year degree in General Arts, I completely forget how it feels to have dreams. Growing up they always said dream big, and clearly I did that, thanks they. You’re probably wondering who I just thanked? So let me avert your attention without you noticing by letting you know that a degree in General Arts is the worst possible degree that they offer at the University I attended. Like the biggest possible piece of shit they offer. So here’s to the graduating class of 2015, you did it, and I was kind of present while you were doing it.

Truthfully I will forever be indebted to the University of Guelph for the time I spent there, not like in an emotional sense, but more so in the sense that I will literally forever owe money to the University of Guelph. How can they or any bank for that matter expect a person who got a degree in General Arts to ever pay them back? It would be like the bank giving you a $40,000 loan, but instead of giving you that $40,000 instead they just gave you herpes, and then charged you for the original loan throughout the rest of your herpes infested life. Is this a bad forum for letting the public know I have herpes, debt, and a degree in General Arts? No I only actually have two of those three things, which means for the first time in my entire life I can truly say that I am disappointed I have not contrasted herpes, but I guess we all need something to look forward to.

When I was a kid a teacher of mine told me that I was an idiot and that I would never graduate from University, today I am proud to say that I have graduated from University and proven that teacher right all at once. There are people with all sorts of degrees that look at my degree and then suddenly become thankful for their own degree, even people with multiple degrees. And I am not even talking about other students getting University degrees, I am talking about people being charged with multiple degrees of murder that are able to look at my degree and no longer regret the decisions they have made in their lives. I could be like the opposite of A&E’s Beyond Scared Straight, that is just how abysmal my prospects in life are. Right now there is a guy on death row being charged for shooting someone in the face that would be terrified by the true nature of facing life with a degree in General Arts, even the guy he shot in the face is happy with how things turned out for him when juxtaposed to having my degree, and that guy is dead.

The weirdest part of graduating right now is that I am entirely jealous of the people I know who have dropped out of school to go pursue their dreams. And I do not mean people who have achieved their dreams, I mean that I am jealous of people who have dropped out of school and have gone on to completely fail at their dreams, because those people at least got to fail at their dreams. I am failing at no one’s dream. No kid dreams of having no dreams when they grow up.

Originally my dream was to be a lawyer, and my plan was to go to school to study Philosophy, but what I found was that paying to go to University to study Philosophy was a lot like walking into a car dealership and buying a horse and carriage. Actually not buying it, it was more like leasing the horse and carriage over four years. What is likely to happen to you is that at some point during that lease you might look around at all your friends speeding past you in their cars from that same dealership, and realize that what you paid for is quite outdated. At this point in the simile I only really had two options: the first option was to drop out, or the second option was to opt out. If I dropped out I have nothing to get me around in life, but if I opt out I still got a car just like everyone else at the dealership. Only catch was that car just so happened to be the shittiest one that they offered. And that is the story of how I got my General Arts degree, I opted out.

Well now that I am done with the past four years I have spent working, I must go so that I can work to pay for the past four years I spent really not actually working. Thank you for being a part of this shitty journey.