Sam told me that I could Tinder on his phone. Never had I used tinder before so needless to say I was a bit excited to message random women as Sam. I began writing a poem to a match of his named Jessica, whom Sam was deeply in love with. No longer would he allow me to send it though because I had spent what he deemed to be too much time on the poem. I did not want that time to go to waste so I thought I would just post it on here. Although this was entirely written by me, I ask that for the purpose of the poem you imagine as though Sam is saying this to his match, Jessica:
Hey Jessica, my tinder match
I am looking for a back to scratch
A back to scratch you may now ask?
Yes, a back to scratch!
For from our match may now have hatched
A mutual matching of hatching back scratching
Without any strings attached!
So swipe right, yes swipe me right
Let Photoshop destroy your night
I’ll be charming, I’ll be polite
But it won’t really matter what I write
For all the signs are in black and white
If you only rely on your thumb, and on your sight
An emotionless one night stand will be at their might
You see when you cut people off just based on their look
You may stop at the cover of what is life’s greatest book
And instead you’ll be left with twilight, or some crap
The boring type of book that will cause you to nap
With nothing but physical beauty filling that gap
Eventually ended by the reality slap
That this relationship was spawned by a demeaning app
So Jessica, still wanna scratch my back?
We can start up this mutual back scratching pact?
Celebrating all the common virtues we lack
For me its looks come first, and then next your rack
But enough about me let’s hear about you?
Why are you so lonely? And when can we screw?
Here’s some stuff about me that is not at all true…
And if I havn’t asked already, when can we screw?
Ever since my recent change in profile picture on Facebook my luck at finding matches on tinder has entered into an entirely different stratosphere altogether. It seems as though girls everywhere are jumping at the opportunity to get to meet the real man in the photo posted above, just so that they can rule out any possibilities that he is a mere myth. It is hard to determine whether girls like me for my lank or because I most resemble skinny Pete from Breaking Bad, but the fact of the matter is I do not get a lot of girls, nor does my aforementioned non-existent Tinder account.
From my understanding Tinder is everything wrong with how we come to meet the people we end up sleeping with. It is basically like the weed of online dating sites, which gateways you into a world of deaf dating. Boys and girls alike are provided with the opportunity to get in contact with each other, solely based on whether or not each person is attracted to the others profile picture on Facebook. Basically, if you want to meet someone shallow then get the fuck on Tinder, and make good use of Photoshop. Once you find your creepy match and they find you, the two of you are free to text each other about all of your common interests, which likely include but are not limited to: judging people you do not know based on their looks, the amount of time each of you spends staring into a mirror daily, or how the two of you both became so lonely and horny that you were willing to get in contact with any decent looking thing you could find within Tinder distance. Tinder is the gateway into a Lavalife that teenagers and pedophiles everywhere have turned to for easy online dating, and desperate hookup attempts.
My hope for Tinder is that it begins to play advertisements on TV like those eHarmony ones you always see running. You all know those eHarmony advertisements; the ones with the couples talking about how eHarmony saved their love life, with This Will Be playing in the background. The couples always look like they are sponsored by old navy, and they all make mention of how they met, or some bullshit. And as that is being said captions appear under the couples that read things like “Todd and Brenda – happily married 3 years”. You would think that these advertisements could not possibly become more pathetic, but then we got Tinder, and suddenly hope has been restored. I can picture it now: couple after couple talking about how they met through Tinder, This Will Be playing in the background, as captions like “Michael and Eleanor – had sex 3 times, don’t know each other’s name” appears bellow old navy catalogue couples talking about their Tinder experience.
Welcome to the world of online dating for those who have only given up a majority of their hope, or as it’s known to its users, welcome to Tinder.