A few weeks ago I learned of an app called Lulu(not to be confused with the yoga clothing company Lululemon). The gist is that it’s a community exclusive to females, who get to dish their opinions on guys, and the guys are to never know what has been said about them. The application can work as a handbook for girls, who want to get involved with a guy, and want to know other ladies perceptions of him. The concept is clearly natural in our digital age, but I can’t help but hear the feminist screams in my head as I imagine a similar app in a bizarro world, where guys rate girls(as if).
Secrets out: I have a penis. This makes me a candidate to be studied on Lulu. Full disclosure, one of your fellow sisters betrayed the sanctity of the app, and alerted me of my profile(thank you to the noble mademoiselle). Now, I would like to take this opportunity, to evaluate myself and respond to my lovers and haters.
I currently sit at an overall score of 8/10. Pretty respectable. I seem to have many great things going for me, which is fantastic because the only thing I thought had I had going was my friends, exiting the door of our friendship(bon voyage).
I have never read Pride and Prejudice or seen the movie adaptations, but upon being called #Mr.Darcy, I utilized my high school Sparknotes skills and did some research. I have been told Mr. Darcy is an aloof hopeless romantic, and although he is initially perceived as cold, distant, and narcissistic, he actually ends up being a totally killer dude that would make your daughter happy. I would consider myself a hopeless romantic- equal parts hopeless, equal parts romantic. Do I sometimes appear full of myself? Yeah, but that’s all for the laughs and to cover up all my insecurities(don’t look at my back). I will never stop self-deprecating myself for your amusement..never(read that in a Michael Caine voice).
I would like to thank you for the hair compliments but you must send your praise to my inspiration, Ryan Gosling, and my hair stylist Fernando, without them I am a mere mortal.
I’m glad that my social media presence has done the perception of me well. My Instagram has proven my culinary skill and my apparent hunk factor. I am also glad that the word has gotten out about my passion for buying flowers on a whim and my ability to supposedly (lucky) charm the pants off of you. I can’t recall this ever happening but I do seem to have a knack for heavy drinking.
Sadly, like most children of the internet, it’s not the pros that stand out, but the cons. So let’s break these negative factors down and prove I am all benefits.
This one hurts, #PornEducated. I may have a PhD in adult films, but that doesn’t mean that’s where I have learned all I know about sex… Ok, it is. But is that my fault? If one of you ladies want to educate me through other means, I am a great student, with a lot of time on his hands, and a determination to succeed. I always thought of myself as Jeff Bridges- The Giver.
#HygenicallyChallenged. I only brush my teeth on average 1.5 times a day. But come on! My mom would say you are absurd! I currently have four shower products sitting in the bathroom: Selsun Blue Dandruff Shampoo(can’t wear black without the blue), Dove For Men shampoo and conditioner, AXE body wash, and sweet lemon body gel from The Body Shop for those rough days. I spend (too much) time grooming myself and am in shock and awe at these allegations. I have gone as far as to wear Adam Levine for men, Adam Levine smells nice doesn’t he? The only argument I think you have here is that my onesies could be washed more.
#OwnsCrocs. Yeah I own them, but I SWEAR, I only wear them to shower at camp! If that is a crime, I will gladly do the time and wear the crocs because they are perfect for my use. They have holes that the water drains out of when you walk(that’s what she said?)
Finally, #Belieber. If you asked me if I have had 100 level seats to the My World 2.0 concert, my answer would be yes. But listen, Bieber has gone downhill, I have zero affection for anything post Beauty and a Beat. You really can’t judge my taste in music based on this. If you want a more well rounded view, check out my Last.Fm, I scrobble everything…everything.
To all the ladies that have taken the time to rate me, thank you. The fact that you spend any time on me at all is humbling. To the girl who claims herself a crush, I have these choice words. When I have a crush, I am blunt. I am a man that wears non sleeveless shirts, and on those non sleeveless shirts I wear my emotions. I’m not saying that I can be your Noah Callhoun, but you definitely can’t be my Allie if you don’t speak your heart. Let’s leave the games to the athletes.
In the end I try and pride(not prejudice) myself on being a pleasant guy. I hope when it comes down to it, the women of the world can base their views on me by spending time with me and being real with me, not by my rating on an app. Despite the kind words, no #hashtag can really define me, because for (explicit) sake, I can’t even define me.