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Confidence is for pussies.

Is there any moral component of confidence left in the guys at clubs, or is confidence only exclusive to those who will harass basically anything? I only ask this because often in attempts to cheer me up whenever I feel down, my friends let me know that I don’t get any women ever when we go out clubbing because I am not confident enough. And that is such a relief to hear, because I always think the reason I don’t score is because I am too ugly. I love learning new things! It makes me more confident in myself.

A lot of people will change their habits once a personal flaw becomes clear to them, but I am not a lot of people, I am but one person. And so what I like to do is embrace my flaws. And I embrace none quite like my lack of confidence. When Jacob Balshin sees a really attractive girl at a club shoot him a look, he typically runs the other fucking way. Because that’s just how I roll. Hell, if there was a naked supermodel stranded on the side of the road that happened to be holding a sign that read “help me for sex, and tons of candy”, I would drive by, and avoid staring. And that is hard because I am a struggling candy addict. It has gotten weird though because on the odd occasion I go to the club, and all I do is stare. But I guess just being at a nightclub involves such low level of respect for oneself that you can get away with something like staring.

My lack of confidence at nightclubs allows me to look on and gain the valuable perspectives on our generation needed never to act like a part of it. It unfolds before me like a special on BBC, that happens to be centered on how shitty couples first come to meet. As it turns out the hottest dance craze which has swept through seedy nightclubs everywhere is that of grinding. And this is how these confident guys tend to meet girls in such a setting. The dictionary I found online applied the following definition to grinding – “to rotate the pelvis erotically, as in the manner of a striptease.” And who is performing this beautiful display of rhythmic art? Well it is none other than whatever guy is confident enough on any given night to grab a girl from behind and begin gyrating his ball sack on her arse. Yes it takes a man with an extremely low amount of self-respect to grind a girl, and it is what makes confidence amongst men in clubs entirely paradoxical.

It is always either the drunkest guy who you see at a club grinding on a girl, or it is that guy who really wants publicly to display his levels of hornyness, but has never gotten the memo on chat roulette. As I watch this I can’t help but want to know more about these people who spend their weekends thrusting the nights away. For example, you have always heard sappy love stories on TV like “How I met Your Mother”. I cannot wait until that show applies to our generation. Truly I long for the day when two fuckups have to explain how they first met at a nightclub to their kids. Literally, some mom is going to be obliged to look her tiny innocent children dead in their little faces and tell them: “well kids it is hard to pinpoint the moment I knew your dad would be the man I would marry. He appeared as everything I had ever imagined my future husband would be at first; he looked like he had never left the gym, picked up a book, or spent a weekend sober. And I will never forget how he walked over to me, looked me dead in the back of my head, and began to rub his gentiles right on my ass, because I think it was at that moment I realized that he was the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.” Truly I hope that I build the confidence to make these my kids. But every time I try I get intimidated.

One time I heard a girl complain to her friend that the guy she was grinding with had gotten a hard-on. It was a weird complaint at the time because she was saying it about me, to someone else, and her words had rattled me to my very core. I could not understand what the girl was expecting when she began to grind her ass against my junk. The very idea of an erection is that they are often caused by the asses of girls, and that we have barely any control over them. But in my time alone at the club, I eventually came to my senses on this one, and realized that every guy at a bar is expected by girls like this to be so drunk that they have limp dick, and therefore could not possibly get hard from grinding. Since this incident I have retired from the grinding game, and hung up my boots. It is not that I do not love the game, because truly I love the grind, it is just that I never intended on hurting anyone when it all started. Grinding has changed – it is not what it used to be when we were innocent kids, and we grinded the night away to soulja boi inside some sketchy all ages club. Maybe what I am trying to say is that I wish we could go back to a time where we all lacked confidence, our mouths were filled with braces, and acne spread rampantly.