lost mittens.


I am always losing things, because I am what you call a fuck-up. I seemingly could lose anything with ease that is not my virginity. And with all of the spare time available to me due to my lack of sex life, I am afforded the opportunity to plan ahead for my future, like for when I have kids for instance. How do you have kid without having sex you may ask? My plans are not to impregnate a girl through the powers of the Holy Spirit, I am not fathering Jesus in this scenario, and so I actually foresee myself having some sad, short-lived sex in order to produce these hypothetical children. As a fuck-up, I am enticed to conclude that any sex in which I partake in as a member will lead to tears, and will ultimately culminate in fatherhood, and even more tears. But rest assured this just the thing that I have spent my undervalued time preparing for.

Not all of us are going to be good parents when we are older. And that is why I do not plan on being a good parent. If I am going to handle imaginary children, I am going to be realistic about the entire hypothetical situation. As an aspiring unfit parent it is my responsibility to imagine that I will lose a child every so often, and so I have taken it upon myself to plan ahead, in order to guide myself through such desperate times. Here is a scenario for instance wherein I feel my planning will surely prove effective, so take note.

I am in a Walmart with my child. While walking through the store we happen upon a value bin filled with blu-rays. As I amerce myself into a world of mediocre movies, I happen upon what is quite possibly the greatest deal ever comprised by man, or mart; a Blu-ray box set of Zoey 101 for the price of just sixteen dollars and ninety-nine cents. Like any good bargain hunter I reach for it without hesitance, but when I proceed to look back up, my child has vanished. It is just me, Zoey, and the rest of the 101.

There is probably a lot of speculation surrounding this predicament so let me make one thing clear, and then recede back into the tale. This is all taking place in the future, and if there is anything my time spent preparing for the future has taught me, it is that it will not be an easy task to find something as sought after as Zoey 101 on Blu-ray at such an affordable price. The market is going to skyrocket, mark my words. Zoey 101 blue-rays are the bitcoins of the future.

Now back to the story; where I have now acquired a timeless classic on Blu-ray, but yet have managed to lose my child. What I am stuck in can be a very scary situation for a parent. You can go to jail for losing your child. And it can be even more terrifying to lose a child in a massive store like Walmart, where you are surrounded by tons of weird strangers, and masses of candy. It is now pretty much your obligation as a parent to start warning everyone that your child has gone missing. It is now your turn to become that idiot in a Walmart publically outing themselves as a negligent parent who lost their child so that they could get that Zoey 101 Blu-ray. But not to fear, for this is the very moment of parenthood, which my lack of sex life has prepared me for.

It is my plan that I will name my first born, Mittens. And so when I lose my child in Walmart instead of outing myself by screaming “I lost my child!” I can remain an inconspicuously horrible parent amongst my Walmart peers, and yell out “I lost my Mitten’s!” This can have its downfalls obviously. For one people may be shocked by your devotion to what they may just assume is just a pair of mittens. And secondly the Walmart employees are likely going to react by asking if you checked the lost and found? But rest assured I have prepared for this. My child Mittens will have been instructed that in the likely event that I lose it, that it should find me at the lost and found. Which is not the name of my other child, it just an actual lost and found.

And that is how I am prepared to be a terrible parent. You should all prepare too, after all it is in the best interest of your future children.