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Onesies: The Garment Of Kings

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I was blind but now I see. If you had spoken to me a while ago about clothing, I would tell you that you must dress to impress at all times. People are always saying “if you look good, you feel good.” I don’t know who they are, but I have been living by their motto for a while. I’ll never leave the house in sweatpants. To me putting on sweatpants and entering the world is saying “Well Sam, you have given up on today.”Some people aren’t ready to sacrifice comfort for a nicer outfit. I don’t blame them. But I believe I have discovered the ultimate solution to the age old paradox of style and comfort.

Four months ago I made a decision that would change my life forever. Like Gandhi, I have had an epiphany about existence. This seemingly trivial action I made has opened my eyes to a world of bliss. I am not here to preach upon you and tell you how you should live your life. I am here merely to share the wisdom I have gained, and hope to spread my state of euphoria with you. Four months ago I purchased a onesie, and it has changed my life forever.

gandhil

A man is but the product of his clothes. What he wears, he becomes.

At birth, when exiting the womb, newly born children are placed in a full body pyjama. This jumpsuit offers the warmth and care an infant desires. One piece of clothing that encapsulates the whole body, like the embrace of a hug. But, as we grow, we progress from one piece of clothing, to two. We are told we must wear outfits that are separated. One article for your legs, one for your torso. I am here to tell you those days are behind us. Why should infants be the only ones who get to feel the eternal cuddle of life? They can’t even talk, move, or contribute anything but bodily fluids. We as fully grown beings need the onesie-heck, we deserve it.

It started  off just around the house. Once I was done work for the day I would pull off my business casual outfit and crawl into my fully body suit of affection and lounge out. Days turned to weeks and soon, I was no longer wearing pyjamas. The habit quickly spread. If I needed to hop in the car briefly, I would go in the onesie. It was just in the car after all.

One evening I was entertaining a female guest. I had been in my onesie and thought it would be best if I changed into something more “acceptable” before she arrived. I had informed her of my wardrobe change and to my surprise she replied saying had she known, she would have worn hers. What could have ensued was a onesie date; the date of dates. But because of my naive thought that my one piece pyjama would not be acceptable for her, I missed out on one the greatest events a human can experience. From that moment on, I have not changed out of my onesie for any occasion. I have gone to friends houses, restaurants, even movies- all in my onesie.

One day Sam, One day.

Onesie Date. One day Sam, one day.

Sweatpants and a sweatshirt say “Yo, I’m lazy, and don’t give a fuck about anything.” Onesies on the other hand say “Hey, I’m comfortable and fun, embrace me.” Onesies are customizable and come in many different styles and designs that are not only fashion forward, but are a great way to express yourself. Whether you like pop culture, casual style, or unicorns, there is a onesie that is right for you. I promise.

Four months since my original purchase, I have expanded my onesie collection. I wear them from 6:00 PM onwards every day, and almost all day on weekends if I can. Many people think I am crazy. They think onesies are dumb, useless, childish. But they just have not entered the higher state of being that I am in. Everybody said “boy don’t go any higher.” To them I say “uh uh, Fuck that, I can do anything.”

My imaginary friends.

My imaginary friends.

Read my last blog about how working out is for suckers.

Sam Berns

Sam Berns

  • Jeordi Philip

    When I was a child I had my penis accidentally zipped up in the onesie. The pain was horrendous.

    • SamBerns

      I was circumcised at birth. I feel ya.