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Marriage – More than a Sham

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One of the oddest parts of becoming twenty years of age is that looming thought that you are going to be alone for the rest of your life. In all honesty I am not writing this post to spread optimism or deny this fact for people like me; I am just here to provide my view on the life that opposes the one I indulge in as a lonely piece of crap. With that being said may I present my philosophy on the topic of marriage.

When I think about finding someone to spend the rest of my current life with, often I stop, and wonder why I think so cruelly? I mean seriously why would I want to put that on someone else? It is bad enough as it is that I have to spend every single day for the rest of my eternity with me, why put some other innocent being through that shit. Oh I know this all sounds discouraging, but let us face it; if you were some weak, lanky Jewish kid, that gets no girls, and is set to exit some small town University with no more than a degree majoring Philosophy, with minor in the absence of hope, then you probably would not be totally stoked for the future.

Being 20 and not having a lot sex is like a lot like watching your ice cream melt before you eventually eat it. Face it we are never going to look as good as we look today. Those who make it further in adulthood are going to become wrinkly and age. For men this means their hair falling out, as their penis beings to stops working as it used to, all the while women start to go through menopause, and their breast begin to sag closer to the floor with each year. A sagging breast is a melting one. Sorry for the visual, but literally it appears exactly like two scoops of ice-cream slowly drooping away. Look all I am trying to say is that I like to eat my ice cream before it melts, or I expire.

What I was trying to get at before I rambled off topic about my love for ice cream is that everyone wants to win the lottery, or become a famous artist or professional athlete, and that is simply because if given the opportunity a large majority of us would want to be someone else. We would be someone with a way cooler life. Who does not want to be something that they are not? That is why I believe the idea of marriage is a sham. If not for any reason other than that we were given the wrong choice by whoever invented it. We should all have the option of who we want to spend the rest of eternity as, instead of being given the choice of who we spend it with. Let us be honest here, if you are a guy and at twenty years of age you choose to live the life of Tom Brady, it is not as if you are going to struggle with women, or your life will not be infinitely better.

Life, who invented this shit anyway? Whoever that asshole is, I would like a word with that being, because he royally screwed this one up, and left us alone. But even worse he left my wish to be Burton Cummings Moustache unfulfilled.

Three Men and a Legend of a Stache

Jacob Balshin

Jacob Balshin