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I come from a generation that grew up alongside cellphones, and we can all remember back to the day when we had Motorola RAZR’s capable of doing no more than bluetoothing 30 second clips of Chamillionaire songs onto our phones. Obviously side by side we have done a lot growing up together, as we have both grown smarter, sleeker and more sophisticateder. It even seems as though it was just yesterday that me and the iPhone went through puberty together. For me it was the experience of changing from a boy into a man, while at the same time the smartphone was changing from the iPhone 4 to the newer iPhone 5. Yea I guess the iPhone 5 is a bit of a late bloomer, but it is not so different then the iPhone 4 in my eyes. Yet it seems as though people get new iPhones just to keep up with the Benjamin’s, or their spoiled friends in the case of an adolescent from an over privileged background. And a stigma exists around cellphones, that you must own the best available, or what everyone else has. It is a stigma that I like to call allowing your personality to be replaced be a phone. If you want to personally access yourself of symptoms of losing your personality to a phone, they are as follows. The first is that you probably want the next iPhone coming out. The second is that someone could hand you the same phone you currently own, and tell you it is the iPhone 6, and you would go on like asshole showing it off as if it was the new iPhone. The third is that a common topic of conversation for you is your smartphone, and god forbid you spend the entirety of an in person conversation with someone without checking the thing.

I made you a camera phone
People are always telling me why they love their iPhone. Crap like “I just love how it looks.” Or “You can download so many apps.” And I do not own an iPhone, but if I did I think my favorite part would be that it calls people. It seems I have loved all my previous cellphones for the same reason: they called people. That is because it is what cellphones were intended for, yet clearly they have changed. We do not even call them cellphones any more, instead we call them smartphones. Yea those sons of bitches got so arrogant that we now have to refer to them as smart. And the smartphones are taking over for idiotpeoples. The phones have advanced to the point where they are already way smarter than we are. Just the other day I ordered a pizza on my cellphone. Now to some that may not sound alarming, but hold the phone, because I did not call anyone to order that pizza. Instead I went on a Pizza Hut ordering application and had my phone order it for me. It felt so wrong at the time: if we are no longer using the phone portion of our smartphones to call for pizza than what is it even good for? If you have ever walked through a McDonalds drive thru at 2 in the afternoon to place your order, it feels the same as how I felt ordering my pizza. But let’s be honest if you are walking through McDonalds drive thru at 2pm and ordering Hotdog Stuffed Crust Pizza online from Pizza Hut at night, than having a smartphone take over your life for a while is probably for the best.

My favorite thing about smartphones, is that a lot of them now a days come with a program known as Instagram. Now to me Instragram is an amazing concept, and that is because when twitter came out it seemed to far exceed the youtube comment section in the category of places where the least important, or cared about things that could possibly exist would be posted online exist, but yet Instagram has brought this sensation of posting mundane everyday happenings to an entirely different level. Now I do not have Instagram and would attribute that to both the facts that I enjoy eating my food rather than taking photos of it, and also just the fact that no one cares about gross crap I shove into my disgusting body on a daily basis. I do not have Instagram, but I would like to tell you of an Instagram picture which I had the pleasure of finding on my Facebook wall one day. It was of an ego waffle, a top it was ice-cream, and syrup. It was an inspiration. Obviously I messaged the person instantly for the recipe. And I was blown away to find out that the meal was consistent of one ego waffle, one scoop of ice cream, and maple syrup. Now I am no chef, but it seems that if I was posting a picture of food I made, it would not be the food I make by simply putting it in the toaster, or microwaving it. Just because you put some stupid filter over a picture of a microwavable waffle does not make it art. You are to art, what a video of Rex Ryan getting off to his wife’s feet is to pornography.

Rex's Wife

Today I own a blackberry. It is a constant source of disappointment. Not because it weeds out those prejudicial people like myself who judge people based on as something as minuscule as the cellphone they own. But because my cellphone receives more spam mail each day, than it ever will texts in a lifetime. But it is not always depressing, iTunes is always checking up to make sure that I know about the latest KatyPerry album, and amazon sends me over personal emails at 3 am warning me of sales on giant lots of wholesale Golden Grahams.

Five_Funniest_Amazon_Reviews

Jacob Balshin

Jacob Balshin

  • Jeordi Philip

    That banana slicer though…