I Neknominate You, Pikachu!

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I think I speak in the majority when I say we all love to be shit faced. I for one, adore it. I am completely convinced that under the influence of alcohol I am a better person.  While intoxicated I am charitable, I am a terrific conversationalist, I can speak French, and I’ll show you my signature over the shoulder dance technique if you’re lucky. But of course,  all good things come with a cost. The cost for being the best me(in my unprofessional opinion) is drinking alcohol. When it comes down to it though, somewhere in our caverns of thought, we all know alcohol tastes bad. Any alcohol-less drink tastes better than any alcohol based beverage except maybe clammato juice which is infinitely better with vodka(but that’s an anomaly similar to an obese person refusing chocolate). If you aren’t a gritty old man resembling Clint Eastwood or an alcoholic, and you tell me you enjoy the taste of alcohol I unapologetically say that you are full of shit. So why on earth would anyone consume alcohol just for the sake of it?

Well…the latest internet phenomenon is a video chain similar to the e-mails those annoying people would send out that if you didn’t forward it  to two more people in 24 hours your mother would die a gruesome death at the hand of an omnipotent axe murderer. #Neknominating basically calls on someone to drink alcohol on camera and then call out your friend to do the same.

Put my head in the toilet so I can drink alcohol out of it, also, film it and put it on the internet, this is important.

Put my head in the toilet so I can drink alcohol out of it, also, film it and put it on the internet, this is important.

With each “Neknom” I’ve seen, there is progressively more alcohol and progressively more stupidity. I have seen guys drink amounts in a minute that most wouldn’t even consume in one evening. The best part about this breme(bro-meme) is the amount of support everyone gets on their video. Last night I saw videos that gained hundreds of likes in minutes…Kony 2012 didn’t even reach this social network popularity as fast…and remember how great that was? The comments on these are fantastic and represent our demographic well:

“yeah dude! LEGENDARY!”


“So much talent”

“I want to suck your dick”

The overwhelming support for the on camera binge drinking actually frightens me. Listen I am no choir boy, I don’t sing angelically and I myself regularly consume terrible amounts of poison and I love it. But, with all that said, at what point do we stop worshipping the “skill” of a dude who can drink 12 shots in 45 seconds while butter is poured on his head and feathers are then flocked to his delicious, salty, body.

Also it’s just a really poor term. When someone first asked me if I had heard of neknominating, I politely declined to participate in an orgy of dead bodies…because that’s what neknominating sounds like…nominating your friend to fornicate with corpses after you have defiled them yourself.

Listen, at the end of the day your consumption of an untasty liquid doesn’t impress me, if you want to drink something and impress me, why don’t you come over to my place, I can light a candle and I will graciously fill a cup or bowl of any size with my semen and you can chug that while listening to beats, and I will gladly record you and put it on the internet.

Keep the alcohol for a better use, drink responsibly, and for the sake of your recently graduated self trying to get a job at a company that’s not cool with hiring people who post videos of themselves binge drinking alcohol on a Sunday evening(because that’s where you will be working) DONT FILM YOURSELF BINGE DRINKING ALCOHOL ON A SUNDAY EVENING! Also your life might be important to you, I’d hope.

With all that said, I got neknominated by my roommate so here is my video:

Sam Berns

Sam Berns