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Post Summertime Sadness

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As I get ready to head back to University for one last year, I can’t help but feel the angsty teenage girl inside of me bursting to show off her curvaceous figure. In the shortest of phrases to describe my thoughts right now: Fuck. The summer is over.

I never get emotional about the summer. I tend to live in the now with slight tendencies to worry about the future and hardly ever do I dwell on the past. But at this moment, the dust that has barely settled from the summer is swirling around my head, filling my nostrills, agitating my eyes, and messing with my head. I’m at the sink trying to wash the dirt from my face, but I just can’t seem to get fully clean.

My summer has two parts. Part one, exploring the world, Europe to be exact. I’ve had two months to digest that experience, learn from it, and move past it. But the past two months working at camp are still fresh, the memories as crisp as the lake in the morning. What was so different about this summer from all the others? Why do I feel like I’ve lost something now that it’s over? I think the reality that I may never have a summer like it again is kicking in. That this past summer may have been my last summer as a youth.

As I look to my 6 course schedule and start worrying about my grades and my study habits that will affect my future, I begin to realize I miss stressing about things that don’t matter. For the past two months my biggest stresses while working at summer camp were:

  1. Do I have enough footage of kids smiling to make a video montage?
  2. Will the staff play happen?
  3. Does this girl want to kiss me?
  4. Do I want a freezie or a peach flavoured popsicle?
  5. Will this day off of alcohol consumption surrounded by good people be fun?(How did we stress about this?!)

In reflection I sit in astonishment…I can’t believe they pay me to do this.

I miss the adventure. Fourth year University doesn’t seem to be exhilarating to me. By now, school is pretty routine. The summer has an aura that keeps you wondering what stupidly fun thing tomorrow will bring. The care-free vibe that gives us the ability to walk around singing at the top of our lungs, not only not caring if people are listening to the terribleness of our voices in harmony, but hoping they are. Scheming, getting into trouble, causing a commotion…being “bad” without any “real” consequences.

I miss the hope of summer flings. The turmoil of the game, worrying if I said the right thing. Gathering the courage to put myself out there. The ecstasy of connecting with someone, even if it’s just for a moment.

I miss the chills. It’s crazy how people can just enter your life and become staples in your daily existence and then just like that, they’re gone. I could go weeks, months, years without speaking to them, people who I was comfortable enough to share the inner sanctity of my mind, regulate shower schedules with, even be close enough to be upset at. Some of these people I may never see again. I miss these people.

As I mope around my house, silently, feeling as if the world has ended, I wonder if there will ever be a summer like it. I worry that there won’t be. But I guess that’s how you know life is good, when you have something to be sad about. Because it means you had something to be happy about recently.

Two Paradises.

Two Paradises.

 

 

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Taking Pride In My Prejudice

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A few weeks ago I learned of an app called Lulu(not to be confused with the yoga clothing company Lululemon). The gist is that it’s a community exclusive to females, who get to dish their opinions on guys, and the guys are to never know what has been said about them. The application can work as a handbook for girls, who want to get involved with a guy, and want to know other ladies perceptions of him. The concept is clearly natural in our digital age, but I can’t help but hear the feminist screams in my head as I imagine a similar app in a bizarro world, where guys rate girls(as if).

Secrets out: I have a penis. This makes me a candidate to be studied on Lulu. Full disclosure, one of your fellow sisters betrayed the sanctity of the app, and alerted me of my profile(thank you to the noble mademoiselle). Now, I would like to take this opportunity, to evaluate myself and respond to my lovers and haters.

I currently sit at an overall score of 8/10. Pretty respectable. I seem to have many great things going for me, which is fantastic because the only thing I thought had I had going was my friends, exiting  the door of our friendship(bon voyage).

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How could a “crush” only rate me a 7? Low standards?

I have never read Pride and Prejudice or seen the movie adaptations, but upon being called #Mr.Darcy, I utilized my high school Sparknotes skills and did some research. I have been told Mr. Darcy is an aloof hopeless romantic, and although he is initially perceived as cold, distant, and narcissistic, he actually ends up being a totally killer dude that would make your daughter happy.  I would consider myself a hopeless romantic- equal parts hopeless, equal parts romantic. Do I sometimes appear full of myself? Yeah, but that’s all for the laughs and to cover up all my insecurities(don’t look at my back). I will never stop self-deprecating myself for your amusement..never(read that in a Michael Caine voice).

I would like to thank you for the hair compliments but you must send your praise to my inspiration, Ryan Gosling, and my hair stylist Fernando, without them I am a mere mortal.

I’m glad that my social media presence has done the perception of me well. My Instagram has proven my culinary skill and my apparent hunk factor. I am also glad that the word has gotten out about my passion for buying flowers on a whim and my ability to supposedly (lucky) charm the pants off of you. I can’t recall this ever happening but I do seem to have a knack for heavy drinking.

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Darcy and Me against the wretched hearts of women.

Sadly, like most children of the internet, it’s not the pros that stand out, but the cons. So let’s break these negative factors down and prove I am all benefits.

This one hurts, #PornEducated. I may have a PhD in adult films, but that doesn’t mean that’s where I have learned all I know about sex… Ok, it is. But is that my fault? If one of you ladies want to educate me through other means, I am a great student, with a lot of time on his hands, and a determination to succeed. I always thought of myself as Jeff Bridges- The Giver.

#HygenicallyChallenged. I only brush my teeth on average 1.5 times a day. But come on! My mom would say you are absurd! I currently have four shower products sitting in the bathroom:  Selsun Blue Dandruff Shampoo(can’t wear black without the blue), Dove For Men shampoo and conditioner, AXE body wash, and sweet lemon body gel from The Body Shop for those rough days. I spend (too much) time grooming myself and am in shock and awe at these allegations. I have gone as far as to wear Adam Levine for men, Adam Levine smells nice doesn’t he? The only argument I think you have here is that my onesies could be washed more.

#OwnsCrocs. Yeah I own them, but I SWEAR, I only wear them to shower at camp! If that is a crime, I will gladly do the time and wear the crocs because they are perfect for my use. They have holes that the water drains out of when you walk(that’s what she said?)

Finally, #Belieber. If you asked me if I have had 100 level seats to the My World 2.0 concert, my answer would be yes. But listen, Bieber has gone downhill, I have zero affection for anything post Beauty and a Beat. You really can’t judge my taste in music based on this. If you want a more well rounded view, check out my Last.Fm, I scrobble everything…everything.

To all the ladies that have taken the time to rate me, thank you. The fact that you spend any time on me at all is humbling. To the girl who claims herself a crush, I have these choice words. When I have a crush, I am blunt. I am a man that wears non sleeveless shirts, and on those non sleeveless shirts I wear my emotions. I’m not saying that I can be your Noah Callhoun, but you definitely can’t be my Allie if you don’t speak your heart. Let’s leave the games to the athletes.

In the end I try and pride(not prejudice) myself on being a pleasant guy. I hope when it comes down to it, the women of the world can base their views on me by spending time with me and being real with me, not by my rating on an app. Despite the kind words, no #hashtag can really define me, because for (explicit) sake, I can’t even define me.

 

Read my last blog about guys inviting girls over to watch a movie

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In Defence of Guys Who invite You Over To Watch a Movie

This can happen in my basement!

Yesterday, while perusing the internet for knowledge(not hoes) I came across an article on a website that I definitely don’t frequent called “Betches Love This.” If you don’t know what that site is about(neither do I, because obviously I would never read a site called “Betches Love This” because I’m a guy) it’s basically an episode of HBO Girls in blog form(I also would never watch HBO Girls because I am a straight male, so I’m just assuming).The article, is a letter penned to “Guys Who Invite Me Over to Watch a Movie.” The gist of the letter is, guys invite girls over to watch a movie because their main intention is to get down and dirty, and don’t even plan on watching the movie. My response:

Dear Girls who think I am inviting them over to watch a movie only to get in their pants.

Obviously, if I want to spend time with you romantically, I want to get in or near your pants….eventually! Even Noah Callhoun wants to get in Allies pants the second he meets her, does that take away from the amazing romantic guy he is? Come on, a movie date has been a staple in dating history since…ever.  You know that famous romantic movie that everyone loves? I think it’s called Annie Hall. Well, in that pretty famous romantic movie, the main characters Alvy and Annie go on a date…to a movie! Even in movies the characters go on dates to the movies. Now you’re going to say “Yeah he took her out! You’re just being lazy and cheap by making the girl watch a movie at your house!” To that I say; you think I’m being lazy and not putting in effort by inviting you over for a movie? How do you know I don’t know your taste in movies and spent a lot of time researching, scouring movie lists to find a film that you will love? Did you ever stop to wonder that I put on that great movie by that acclaimed female director because I knew that was your sort of thing? THAT’S RIGHT YOU DIDN’T! Because you thought I was being lazy and didn’t even give me the opportunity!

This can happen in my basement!

This can happen in my basement! Also, see- he is focused on HER!!!

You say you can’t get to know someone by watching a movie with them? Don’t you think we could talk at length after the movie about our opinions and thoughts, and then turn that conversation into something even grander than the both of us and have a moment in which we could be truly infinite?! No, you didn’t think that way because you were so stuck up and didn’t think I would watch 12 Years a Slave with you. Well guess what, I would. I would watch whatever you wanted, whatever made you happy, because if I am inviting you over for a movie, it means more than I want to bone, it means I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU! I would love to take you out on a fun date! In fact I have a self-made list of fantastic date ideas that I hope I can someday use(because they would be really fun). But every once in a while(every day) I just want to watch a movie! Why can’t you share that joy with me?

Then, you complain that we have to watch it on my laptop? I’m sorry that I live with my parents because I am a student, and that I don’t just take over the house and stop them from using their nice TV so I can watch what I want. I am mindful of my surroundings and therefore, am stuck watching on my laptop. SORRY that I couldn’t offer you the finest of screens! If you give me the chance of longevity, instead of a nice white house on the lake, I will build you a movie theatre of luxury, just so we can watch movies together(I will take carpentry classes first).

So next time betches, if a guy invites you over for a movie, and he invites you over before the time of  9:00 PM, he might be more than just some “Guy Who Invites You Over to ‘Watch a Movie.'” He might be a guy that invites you over to spend time with you….and watch a movie.

Stop being awful,

The Guys who actually love movies.

I can be an older guy, you can be Penelope Cruz, and we can watch a movie and cuddle...IN MY BASEMENT!

I can be an older guy, you can be Penelope Cruz, and we can watch a movie and cuddle…IN MY BASEMENT!

Read my last blog about Neknominations(and their stupidity).

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I Neknominate You, Pikachu!

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I think I speak in the majority when I say we all love to be shit faced. I for one, adore it. I am completely convinced that under the influence of alcohol I am a better person.  While intoxicated I am charitable, I am a terrific conversationalist, I can speak French, and I’ll show you my signature over the shoulder dance technique if you’re lucky. But of course,  all good things come with a cost. The cost for being the best me(in my unprofessional opinion) is drinking alcohol. When it comes down to it though, somewhere in our caverns of thought, we all know alcohol tastes bad. Any alcohol-less drink tastes better than any alcohol based beverage except maybe clammato juice which is infinitely better with vodka(but that’s an anomaly similar to an obese person refusing chocolate). If you aren’t a gritty old man resembling Clint Eastwood or an alcoholic, and you tell me you enjoy the taste of alcohol I unapologetically say that you are full of shit. So why on earth would anyone consume alcohol just for the sake of it?

Well…the latest internet phenomenon is a video chain similar to the e-mails those annoying people would send out that if you didn’t forward it  to two more people in 24 hours your mother would die a gruesome death at the hand of an omnipotent axe murderer. #Neknominating basically calls on someone to drink alcohol on camera and then call out your friend to do the same.

Put my head in the toilet so I can drink alcohol out of it, also, film it and put it on the internet, this is important.

Put my head in the toilet so I can drink alcohol out of it, also, film it and put it on the internet, this is important.

With each “Neknom” I’ve seen, there is progressively more alcohol and progressively more stupidity. I have seen guys drink amounts in a minute that most wouldn’t even consume in one evening. The best part about this breme(bro-meme) is the amount of support everyone gets on their video. Last night I saw videos that gained hundreds of likes in minutes…Kony 2012 didn’t even reach this social network popularity as fast…and remember how great that was? The comments on these are fantastic and represent our demographic well:

“yeah dude! LEGENDARY!”

“AMAZING!”

“So much talent”

“I want to suck your dick”

The overwhelming support for the on camera binge drinking actually frightens me. Listen I am no choir boy, I don’t sing angelically and I myself regularly consume terrible amounts of poison and I love it. But, with all that said, at what point do we stop worshipping the “skill” of a dude who can drink 12 shots in 45 seconds while butter is poured on his head and feathers are then flocked to his delicious, salty, body.

Also it’s just a really poor term. When someone first asked me if I had heard of neknominating, I politely declined to participate in an orgy of dead bodies…because that’s what neknominating sounds like…nominating your friend to fornicate with corpses after you have defiled them yourself.

Listen, at the end of the day your consumption of an untasty liquid doesn’t impress me, if you want to drink something and impress me, why don’t you come over to my place, I can light a candle and I will graciously fill a cup or bowl of any size with my semen and you can chug that while listening to beats, and I will gladly record you and put it on the internet.

Keep the alcohol for a better use, drink responsibly, and for the sake of your recently graduated self trying to get a job at a company that’s not cool with hiring people who post videos of themselves binge drinking alcohol on a Sunday evening(because that’s where you will be working) DONT FILM YOURSELF BINGE DRINKING ALCOHOL ON A SUNDAY EVENING! Also your life might be important to you, I’d hope.

With all that said, I got neknominated by my roommate so here is my video:

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The Time I Saw A Movie Alone

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What are the complications of dating your operating system? That is the basic premise of Spike Jonze’s Her. Joaquin Phoenix plays a man in a world similar but a tad more futuristic to ours who has a relationship with his computer.

Yesterday I had plans to meet a friend downtown to see the movie. But, to our chagrin, both of the closest show times were sold out, and due to my friends busy schedule, he could not see a later showing. So we decided to have a quick meal and chat instead. As our man-date was coming to an end a crazy little thought entered my big neurotic head…”What if I went to see the movie alone?” I voiced my thought aloud and the responses I heard were not to encouraging, “Really? You’re going to sit alone in the theatre? You might seem a bit like a loser.” Realistically the only negatives is what other people will think about me seeing a movie alone. I was already downtown away from most people I know, so in the real world, there was no way anyone would ever find out. But of course this is not the real world, this is my life.

My friend and I parted ways and I went off to buy my ticket. When it was my turn at the box office I politely asked for one ticket to the 7:20 viewing of Her. The employee stated there was only one ticket left. My response, “That’s ok, I’m alone.” A sad look seeped over his face as he handed me my ticket.

Please Retain Your Ticket and Your Dignity.

Please Retain Your Ticket and Your Dignity.

There were only 10 minutes to spare before the movie started. This scenario would usually make me anxious if I was with someone. A sold out movie with only 10 minutes before it starts- almost a 0% chance we would find a seat together. But, being a former theatre employee and a social philosopher, I knew there was an advantage to seeing a movie Han Solo. You see, theatre dynamics work as such: people generally see movies in groups. Human beings are uncomfortable sitting beside strangers which makes the seating arrangement somewhat like a game of Tetris. Every group is a different shape filling up spots, but they don’t like to ever connect, always leaving one awkward seat open, forcing groups of two or more in a sold out movie to either sit in the very front or leave. But alas, I was alone and that awkward lonesome seat was for a lonesome awkward me. I walked in and saw an upper middle seat fully vacant. I walked up and exclaimed “is anyone sitting there?” to the whole row. All the heads turned and paused for a moment of silence, they were commemorating the dignity they had thought I just lost. The 20 something guy and his girlfriend on one side of the seat and the grandmother with her family on the other both mumbled that it was available. I slithered my way past 6 people and claimed my throne in the best seat in the house as the pity of the theatre patrons surrounded me.

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At least he was with his computer….

The movie experience was incredible. Not only was it one of the best movies I think I have ever seen, but I was able to fully enjoy it without worrying about what someone else thought as I was watching. Also, after the movie I knew right away that I had loved it and my opinion was not clouded by what my viewing partner thought.

I left my companionless movie viewing very pleased with the experience. I was scot free, the only ridicule and awkward glances I had received were from complete strangers, which is perfectly fine by me. But as I said, this is my life, and there was no away this was going to end harmoniously. As I exited the theatre I locked eyes with a girl whom I used to lust after, who was aware of my inner desires, and was seemingly on a date. She walked over and merrily asked “SAM! What are you doing here? Did you just see a movie?” I said that I had just seen Her. She asked, “Who did you see it with?” I confidently said “I actually saw it alone.” The look of pity overwhelmed her face. She then quickly introduced me to her date, we shook hands, had some quick small talk and parted ways.

I was alone, watching a movie about a guy in a relationship with a computer, and was caught in this experience by a former crush who was currently on a date.

Read my last blog about New Years Eve Anxiety

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New Years Eve Anxiety

Stop making it seem like I am going to have a magical evening, MY LIFE ISN'T A MOVIE LIKE YOU ZAC EFRON!

We’re only a few days away from one of the most over-hyped days of the year, New Years Eve. What a spectacle this evening is. Every year people plan for months in advance the festivities of the evening, as if it were to be a wedding, where as it usually ends up like your family friends bris (under-whelming with surges of pain through your penis).  I rarely am ever in town for New Years and the years I have been I have been in an age of minority. But now at the tender age of 20, home for the holidays, having to make plans for myself,  the New Years Eve anxiety has kicked in and I have as many problems as there are characters in the movie New Years Eve starring Halle Berry, Jessica Biel, Jon Bon Jovi, Abigail Breslin, Robert De Niro, Josh Duhamel, Zac Efron, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Seth Meyers, Lea Michele, Sarah Jessica Parker, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank, Sofía Vergara, Common, Ludacris, and Russel Peters.

Stop making it seem like I am going to have a magical evening, MY LIFE ISN'T A MOVIE LIKE YOU ZAC EFRON!

Stop making it seem like I am going to have a magical evening, MY LIFE ISN’T A MOVIE LIKE YOU ZAC EFRON!

The Dilemmas:

1. Who am I going to spend New Years with? According to one friend, If I was a good son I would probably consider a nice evening with my parents, but they’re pretty sick of me so I think I’ll give them the night off. No, New Years must be spent with friends, but which ones? Because I have always had a problem with indecisiveness, I don’t have a singular group of friends but more so a pool of friends, all of whom are not friends with each other.  I really fucked up the friend making thing in my younger years(but that’s for another blog). I need 1-2 people to be open to anything, willing to spend money and alleviate the cost of an adventure.

The saddest looking group of friends ever.

The saddest looking group of friends ever.

2. Where am I taking my sweet ass? Because I am naive to life, I didn’t know I had to buy an $80 ticket to a club, not that I want to go to a club, but really what else is there to do? Ideally, I would love to dress up in fine formal wear and go to an acquaintances rooftop loft and have an elegant evening with a platonic female friend who will later become the romance of my life, but sadly I don’t live in the plotline of When Harry Met Sally, so that is off the table. If you know of any cool events, please inform me, actually though, I’m getting desperate.

get some air

10…9…8…”Wanna get some air?”

3. Who will I kiss? Let’s face it, that’s the big question and pressure of the night, there needs to be a kiss to call the night a success. You people can lie to yourselves all you want, I know you are face-stalking the hell out of people to choose ideal candidates for the first kiss of the new year. If someone of the opposite sex communicates with you within a 3 day radius of New Years, you know it’s on for the midnight make out. Now is the perfect time to bust Tinder open and get those fingers a swiping, I won’t judge you, but you should probably make your New Year’s resolution to uninstall Tinder.

4. Set a New Year’s Resolution.  I always set one and can never remember it for the life of me. I am pretty sure my 2013 resolution was to get in shape. Well, I am still a shape, its long and lanky, so, somewhat achieved? You have to set the goal on New Year’s, or else it doesn’t encapsulate the magic-this is a known life fact. I’m stuck between “have a romantic life that doesn’t consist of me being single and just watching every rom-com and reading every young adult novel” and “grow bangs.” Fucking New Years eve, so many difficulties.

Bangs...Probably the better option

Bangs…Probably the better option

With only days to go, I don’t think I am going to make it to the big event, I may take 8 melatonin and sleep the whole night just so I won’t feel the sadness of being underwhelmed come January 1st.

What are your big New Years Plans…or Who is your big New Years plans?

 

1

I Have A Secret Admirer…Kind of.

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I was done with psychic game. I have been out for a while now, living a respectable, legitimate life. The allure of giving strangers readings over the phone impersonating “Farah the psychic” had worn off. But that has not stopped the people from calling. Even though I have been turning down readings telling callers that this was indeed the wrong number, the real Farah seems to still be taking in clients…and winning over their hearts.

It was a regular Friday night when I received a text from an unknown number asking how I was.  I responded that I was well, but had to regretfully inform the texter I didn’t know who they were. Things escalated quickly when I was told it was a secret admirer.

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At this point I was unaware that the texter was not seeking me, but Farah. I played along unsure if this was a prank or real,  so I gave snarky responses.

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The texter was keen on a date. Asking me questions about my ideal date.

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Screenshot_2013-11-25-15-32-21Then the gender was revealed when HE asked me what kind of guy I am usually into. The fun began.

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He was pushing for dinner with me the following evening. I asked if he lived in a house. He said yes. I informed him I do not go to stranger’s houses. This is when he informed me that we had met previously. I had given him a reading. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. I had again assumed the identity of Farah, Psychic and Spiritual healer.

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We flirted, playing the name game.

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Things escalated when I asked for pics.

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He has a kind eye

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I asked if he was an innie or outie.

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Definitely an innie.

He quickly caught onto my game though.

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I can relate.

 He was blunt with me. I liked that. Had I been Farah I may have actually give him a chance, had he not sent me a picture of his belly button of course.

I agreed to a date for Sunday. He wanted to take me to a Scandinave Spa.

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He knew a lot about spas.

We learned a little bit more about each other, before I bid him goodnight.

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It was nice to feel wanted, even if it wasn’t really me Curious George desired.

Read about my last encounters as Farah.

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Whats Your Thing?

I'm a T-Rex. RAAAAAWR

I do not have many childhood memories. For some reason I just can’t remember much- unless it happened this morning. My theories on this are that:

  1. I had a terrible childhood
  2.  I’ve been in a roofie circle my whole life
  3.  I am dumb.

I don’t have any evidence of any of the three, but my detective skills are more comparable to a salami sandwich than Sherlock Holmes. BUT! One thing from my childhood that stands out today is that 90’s commercial where the kid makes T-Rex noises and the girl yells “MOM! AIDEN CUT ME IN HALF AGAIN!” the commercial fortifies the message of “Everybody’s got to have a thing? What’s your thing?”

This commercial came to mind because of a conversation I had with two friends last night. We were sitting around, and it came to me that both were pursuing a future that related to the things they were passionate about. One friend has extensive film and cinematography knowledge; spewing off facts about different types of cameras and effects. He’s in film school and the guy genuinely just loves movies more than anything. The other sat playing guitar singing. Playing his music and of the bands he loves. When you go to his room it’s covered in posters of his favorite artists. Basically what I’m saying is that when you think of these two guys you think of their respective passions instantly.

I decided to ask them, what they thought of when they thought of me. If they thought one thing about me and what I would be in the future, what would it relate to? The answer: Coke. I am a beverage.

If Duff Man can do it, so can I?

If Duff Man can do it, so can I?

How the hell did I become synonymous with a drink? My passion is a carbonated liquid!? What the hell am I going to do with that? Can I make money by just drinking coke? Is that a future? Is that even really a passion? Yeah I love Coca-Cola and have many collectibles and such of the product, but that isn’t a skill or something someone does. If someone asks me what I enjoy doing, what I am passionate about, I’m supposed to answer: “I like to drink coke?”

This commercial has really got me going. Everyone is passionate about something. But are they? I don’t know if I’m truly passionate about anything. I’m not an expert on any subject. I watch a lot of movies and TV shows, but I can’t spew off plot points and quotes about the series and movies I love. I listen to a lot of music, but I don’t know every album or the names of all the band members. I made this thought aware to my friends and they said “well you also like social media!” You know what’s worse than being passionate about a 350ml can of sugary heaven? Being passionate about something that is just a means of self-promotion. They basically said I am passionate about myself. Oh the narcissism.

This post doesn’t really have a point. While I go out to discover my passion, I ask you the questions: Do you have a passion? Is there something you as a person are associated with?

Read my last blog about onesies.

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Onesies: The Garment Of Kings

drop-seat-adult-onesies

I was blind but now I see. If you had spoken to me a while ago about clothing, I would tell you that you must dress to impress at all times. People are always saying “if you look good, you feel good.” I don’t know who they are, but I have been living by their motto for a while. I’ll never leave the house in sweatpants. To me putting on sweatpants and entering the world is saying “Well Sam, you have given up on today.”Some people aren’t ready to sacrifice comfort for a nicer outfit. I don’t blame them. But I believe I have discovered the ultimate solution to the age old paradox of style and comfort.

Four months ago I made a decision that would change my life forever. Like Gandhi, I have had an epiphany about existence. This seemingly trivial action I made has opened my eyes to a world of bliss. I am not here to preach upon you and tell you how you should live your life. I am here merely to share the wisdom I have gained, and hope to spread my state of euphoria with you. Four months ago I purchased a onesie, and it has changed my life forever.

gandhil

A man is but the product of his clothes. What he wears, he becomes.

At birth, when exiting the womb, newly born children are placed in a full body pyjama. This jumpsuit offers the warmth and care an infant desires. One piece of clothing that encapsulates the whole body, like the embrace of a hug. But, as we grow, we progress from one piece of clothing, to two. We are told we must wear outfits that are separated. One article for your legs, one for your torso. I am here to tell you those days are behind us. Why should infants be the only ones who get to feel the eternal cuddle of life? They can’t even talk, move, or contribute anything but bodily fluids. We as fully grown beings need the onesie-heck, we deserve it.

It started  off just around the house. Once I was done work for the day I would pull off my business casual outfit and crawl into my fully body suit of affection and lounge out. Days turned to weeks and soon, I was no longer wearing pyjamas. The habit quickly spread. If I needed to hop in the car briefly, I would go in the onesie. It was just in the car after all.

One evening I was entertaining a female guest. I had been in my onesie and thought it would be best if I changed into something more “acceptable” before she arrived. I had informed her of my wardrobe change and to my surprise she replied saying had she known, she would have worn hers. What could have ensued was a onesie date; the date of dates. But because of my naive thought that my one piece pyjama would not be acceptable for her, I missed out on one the greatest events a human can experience. From that moment on, I have not changed out of my onesie for any occasion. I have gone to friends houses, restaurants, even movies- all in my onesie.

One day Sam, One day.

Onesie Date. One day Sam, one day.

Sweatpants and a sweatshirt say “Yo, I’m lazy, and don’t give a fuck about anything.” Onesies on the other hand say “Hey, I’m comfortable and fun, embrace me.” Onesies are customizable and come in many different styles and designs that are not only fashion forward, but are a great way to express yourself. Whether you like pop culture, casual style, or unicorns, there is a onesie that is right for you. I promise.

Four months since my original purchase, I have expanded my onesie collection. I wear them from 6:00 PM onwards every day, and almost all day on weekends if I can. Many people think I am crazy. They think onesies are dumb, useless, childish. But they just have not entered the higher state of being that I am in. Everybody said “boy don’t go any higher.” To them I say “uh uh, Fuck that, I can do anything.”

My imaginary friends.

My imaginary friends.

Read my last blog about how working out is for suckers.