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Castaway – Spooky Tales From Halloween

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The following is a formal complaint to Trappers/Palace a seedy set of nightclubs attached to one another in the small town of Guelph, Ontario, at which I spent my Halloween this year.

Dear Trappers and, or Palace,

Last night as you may have come to realize was Halloween; a beloved pastime for kids, parents, and intoxicated University students everywhere. It is a time where we can all come together dressed up, or down in a creative manner that would not be publicly acceptable on any other night of the year. And this year like many of the students in the small town of Guelph, I chose to dress up, and attend your festivities over the beloved tradition.

I was going to dress up as Tom Hanks from the movie Castaway, and it was going to be glorious. I had bought a costume, and a thirty-three dollar Wilson volleyball, which had been hand painted with my very own blood. Okay maybe it was not blood, but needless to say my costume was very realistic, and I spared no expense on my companion, Wilson. Now normally I do not venture inside of you Trappers/Palace, because let us face it you are an unsanitary sweat pool that is over occupied with any drunk person that will pay your set cover cost. And thus coming into the night I assumed that your standard on letting those who dressed up like Tom Hanks, from the movie Castaway into your disgusting night club would be rather lenient. And I had actually begun looking forward to losing my self-respect in the terrible music, lighting, and body odor that would surely surround me as I danced my night away with my compadre, Wilson.

The night started as expected, and my friend Wilson, and I arrived with my real human friends, as we all piled into the line to attend your festivities. Clearly not a lot of intoxicated students in downtown Guelph are well versed in Tom Hanks movies, but those that were showed a full appreciation for my costume. But not only that they shared in a general love for Wilson, my 33 dollar volleyball that was set to replicate the one Tom Hanks befriends in the movie, and which I lied about painting with my own blood.

Trappers/Palace you may, or may not be familiar with Tom Hanks academy award nominated performance in the movie Castaway, so let me fill you in. Tom Hanks, or Chuck Nolan as he is named in the movie, is a Fed-Ex employee who finds himself the lone survivor in a plane crash, which strands him alone on an island in the South Pacific. The story is both heart-wrenching, and harrowing, as we slowly watch his character sight of reality deteriorate. This culminates when Chuck finds a package among the scattered cargo from his plane; a Wilson volleyball, which he had been on route to deliver. But that is not all he finds in the volleyball; for in it that Wilson volleyball Chuck finds a companion, someone with whom he can talk in his isolation, and someone who is brought to life for him by a face he paints on its surface with in his own blood. They live, they laugh, and they love together, while they go through the trials and tribulations of a loving friendship. But in one iconic scene that will forever go down as the saddest on screen moment between man and volleyball, Chuck loses his dear volleyball friend, as it drifts away in the oceans current. Torn by the loss Chuck screams out to his friend several times, crying the name Wilson aloud like an insane man trapped alone on an isolated island, until he finally realizes that his lost companion is merely a volleyball.

It was this man, and this movie which I chose to replicate this year for Halloween, but little did I know Trappers/Palace how closely you would actually bring me to being this castaway. You see, once I got to the front of your line it was expressed to me by your bouncers that I could not bring in a prop, distinctly referring to Wilson. And then just like an oceans current you took my dear Wilson from me, and placed him within a cardboard box, informing me that I would get him back at the end of the night: that was the last time I ever saw my dear Wilson. But you see Trappers/Palace in that moment when you had Wilson taken from my grasp I felt every bit of pain that a lonely, stranded, Tom Hanks felt when he lost his own dear friend. And as I stood there screaming Wilson hysterically at the top of my lungs, in front of the bouncer that ultimately would determine if I would get into you, I found that I truly had become my costume.

Granted my situation was somewhat different, my predicament may seem a bit worse under the consideration that on a student budget I paid 33 dollars for that volleyball, well Tom Hanks just naturally found his just floating around in the ocean. And sure I still had my real friends, but they are not volleyballs, and they never will be. Trappers/Palace you could be nice enough to replace the volleyball you took from me, but Wilson means so much more to me than just the object in a sport for really tall people on the beach, he was my dear friend. He kept me from the isolation that entering your island makes me feel. Together me and Wilson acted like lost misfits, as we claimed the land around us as our own, while doing anything it took together to survive in it. We were Castaways, and you took him from me.

Lastly to Palace, who on earth named you? Have they ever seen a palace? I am quite certain that it looks absolutely nothing like the inside of you. There really is nothing luxurious about a bunch of drunken students grinding on a dance floor to crappy music, as random people shed their self-respect onto the stripper poles laid before a pathetic crowd. It just does not scream royalty.

Also, to the club Taboo, truly you stole my volleyball, but I have taken my frustrations out on Palace/Trappers because writing this much about your piece of crap nightclub would have been demeaning.

–              Chuck Nolan Impersonator, Jacob Balshin

Jacob Balshin

Jacob Balshin

  • Lester Mosley

    Awesomeness

  • Itookadump

    waste of time wow

  • Mark H

    Fantastic read, I can relate 100%. I also arrived at palace on the rainy Halloween night dressed as Popeye, the large-forearmed, spinach-loving sailor. I bought skin colored paint and water wings. I painted them, threw them on my forearms, and drew on some anchors. The water wings made my costume complete. Little did I know, I would have the same problem as you did… They made me toss my water wings in the garbage. What a waste…

    • Jacob Balshin

      Fantastic comment, I am sorry to hear about your water wings, as no person or club should ever come between a man and his water wings, especially one that is dressed like Popeye. If anything your water wings added to the safety of that entire place.

  • Derek Weber

    i just found this blog and i have to say I’ve never been able to relate to a blog more in my life, funniest shit I’ve read in a while

    • SamBerns

      Thanks for your comment! Be sure to check out all the other posts!

  • Lauren Star

    this is adorable and hilariousness and i like it a lot. well done, dude; palace, trappers, the whole monopoly that is partytown is poopville. i used to be a partytown employee i know how much they can suck it. but at the same time the bouncers are just doing their job/doing what they’re told and they had to work on halloween–soo sucks for them. sounds like you were still able to have a fun night which is all that really matters!

    Also, good writing.

  • Brad

    This was good, except for you saying you painted the ball with your own blood.. That is pretty messed up right there.

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