Chef Jacob Balshin cooks a burger for the opportunity to win $1 million!
Sam uses Jacob’s toothbrush.
The official anthem to the best salsa product in existence: Mrs. Renfro’s Gourmet Habanero Salsa.
Like COPS but with Robbers.
As I get ready to head back to University for one last year, I can’t help but feel the angsty teenage girl inside of me bursting to show off her curvaceous figure. In the shortest of phrases to describe my thoughts right now: Fuck. The summer is over.
I never get emotional about the summer. I tend to live in the now with slight tendencies to worry about the future and hardly ever do I dwell on the past. But at this moment, the dust that has barely settled from the summer is swirling around my head, filling my nostrills, agitating my eyes, and messing with my head. I’m at the sink trying to wash the dirt from my face, but I just can’t seem to get fully clean.
My summer has two parts. Part one, exploring the world, Europe to be exact. I’ve had two months to digest that experience, learn from it, and move past it. But the past two months working at camp are still fresh, the memories as crisp as the lake in the morning. What was so different about this summer from all the others? Why do I feel like I’ve lost something now that it’s over? I think the reality that I may never have a summer like it again is kicking in. That this past summer may have been my last summer as a youth.
As I look to my 6 course schedule and start worrying about my grades and my study habits that will affect my future, I begin to realize I miss stressing about things that don’t matter. For the past two months my biggest stresses while working at summer camp were:
- Do I have enough footage of kids smiling to make a video montage?
- Will the staff play happen?
- Does this girl want to kiss me?
- Do I want a freezie or a peach flavoured popsicle?
- Will this day off of alcohol consumption surrounded by good people be fun?(How did we stress about this?!)
In reflection I sit in astonishment…I can’t believe they pay me to do this.
I miss the adventure. Fourth year University doesn’t seem to be exhilarating to me. By now, school is pretty routine. The summer has an aura that keeps you wondering what stupidly fun thing tomorrow will bring. The care-free vibe that gives us the ability to walk around singing at the top of our lungs, not only not caring if people are listening to the terribleness of our voices in harmony, but hoping they are. Scheming, getting into trouble, causing a commotion…being “bad” without any “real” consequences.
I miss the hope of summer flings. The turmoil of the game, worrying if I said the right thing. Gathering the courage to put myself out there. The ecstasy of connecting with someone, even if it’s just for a moment.
I miss the chills. It’s crazy how people can just enter your life and become staples in your daily existence and then just like that, they’re gone. I could go weeks, months, years without speaking to them, people who I was comfortable enough to share the inner sanctity of my mind, regulate shower schedules with, even be close enough to be upset at. Some of these people I may never see again. I miss these people.
As I mope around my house, silently, feeling as if the world has ended, I wonder if there will ever be a summer like it. I worry that there won’t be. But I guess that’s how you know life is good, when you have something to be sad about. Because it means you had something to be happy about recently.
Two Guys, Onesie: A thief and his victim bond over a onesie.
A swimmer struggles to live in a society where the only thing people can see him for is his hair.
Our latest video dedicated to the #PizzaWeek campaign!
A few weeks ago I learned of an app called Lulu(not to be confused with the yoga clothing company Lululemon). The gist is that it’s a community exclusive to females, who get to dish their opinions on guys, and the guys are to never know what has been said about them. The application can work as a handbook for girls, who want to get involved with a guy, and want to know other ladies perceptions of him. The concept is clearly natural in our digital age, but I can’t help but hear the feminist screams in my head as I imagine a similar app in a bizarro world, where guys rate girls(as if).
Secrets out: I have a penis. This makes me a candidate to be studied on Lulu. Full disclosure, one of your fellow sisters betrayed the sanctity of the app, and alerted me of my profile(thank you to the noble mademoiselle). Now, I would like to take this opportunity, to evaluate myself and respond to my lovers and haters.
I currently sit at an overall score of 8/10. Pretty respectable. I seem to have many great things going for me, which is fantastic because the only thing I thought had I had going was my friends, exiting the door of our friendship(bon voyage).
I have never read Pride and Prejudice or seen the movie adaptations, but upon being called #Mr.Darcy, I utilized my high school Sparknotes skills and did some research. I have been told Mr. Darcy is an aloof hopeless romantic, and although he is initially perceived as cold, distant, and narcissistic, he actually ends up being a totally killer dude that would make your daughter happy. I would consider myself a hopeless romantic- equal parts hopeless, equal parts romantic. Do I sometimes appear full of myself? Yeah, but that’s all for the laughs and to cover up all my insecurities(don’t look at my back). I will never stop self-deprecating myself for your amusement..never(read that in a Michael Caine voice).
I would like to thank you for the hair compliments but you must send your praise to my inspiration, Ryan Gosling, and my hair stylist Fernando, without them I am a mere mortal.
I’m glad that my social media presence has done the perception of me well. My Instagram has proven my culinary skill and my apparent hunk factor. I am also glad that the word has gotten out about my passion for buying flowers on a whim and my ability to supposedly (lucky) charm the pants off of you. I can’t recall this ever happening but I do seem to have a knack for heavy drinking.
Sadly, like most children of the internet, it’s not the pros that stand out, but the cons. So let’s break these negative factors down and prove I am all benefits.
This one hurts, #PornEducated. I may have a PhD in adult films, but that doesn’t mean that’s where I have learned all I know about sex… Ok, it is. But is that my fault? If one of you ladies want to educate me through other means, I am a great student, with a lot of time on his hands, and a determination to succeed. I always thought of myself as Jeff Bridges- The Giver.
#HygenicallyChallenged. I only brush my teeth on average 1.5 times a day. But come on! My mom would say you are absurd! I currently have four shower products sitting in the bathroom: Selsun Blue Dandruff Shampoo(can’t wear black without the blue), Dove For Men shampoo and conditioner, AXE body wash, and sweet lemon body gel from The Body Shop for those rough days. I spend (too much) time grooming myself and am in shock and awe at these allegations. I have gone as far as to wear Adam Levine for men, Adam Levine smells nice doesn’t he? The only argument I think you have here is that my onesies could be washed more.
#OwnsCrocs. Yeah I own them, but I SWEAR, I only wear them to shower at camp! If that is a crime, I will gladly do the time and wear the crocs because they are perfect for my use. They have holes that the water drains out of when you walk(that’s what she said?)
Finally, #Belieber. If you asked me if I have had 100 level seats to the My World 2.0 concert, my answer would be yes. But listen, Bieber has gone downhill, I have zero affection for anything post Beauty and a Beat. You really can’t judge my taste in music based on this. If you want a more well rounded view, check out my Last.Fm, I scrobble everything…everything.
To all the ladies that have taken the time to rate me, thank you. The fact that you spend any time on me at all is humbling. To the girl who claims herself a crush, I have these choice words. When I have a crush, I am blunt. I am a man that wears non sleeveless shirts, and on those non sleeveless shirts I wear my emotions. I’m not saying that I can be your Noah Callhoun, but you definitely can’t be my Allie if you don’t speak your heart. Let’s leave the games to the athletes.
In the end I try and pride(not prejudice) myself on being a pleasant guy. I hope when it comes down to it, the women of the world can base their views on me by spending time with me and being real with me, not by my rating on an app. Despite the kind words, no #hashtag can really define me, because for (explicit) sake, I can’t even define me.
Yesterday, while perusing the internet for knowledge(not hoes) I came across an article on a website that I definitely don’t frequent called “Betches Love This.” If you don’t know what that site is about(neither do I, because obviously I would never read a site called “Betches Love This” because I’m a guy) it’s basically an episode of HBO Girls in blog form(I also would never watch HBO Girls because I am a straight male, so I’m just assuming).The article, is a letter penned to “Guys Who Invite Me Over to Watch a Movie.” The gist of the letter is, guys invite girls over to watch a movie because their main intention is to get down and dirty, and don’t even plan on watching the movie. My response:
Dear Girls who think I am inviting them over to watch a movie only to get in their pants.
Obviously, if I want to spend time with you romantically, I want to get in or near your pants….eventually! Even Noah Callhoun wants to get in Allies pants the second he meets her, does that take away from the amazing romantic guy he is? Come on, a movie date has been a staple in dating history since…ever. You know that famous romantic movie that everyone loves? I think it’s called Annie Hall. Well, in that pretty famous romantic movie, the main characters Alvy and Annie go on a date…to a movie! Even in movies the characters go on dates to the movies. Now you’re going to say “Yeah he took her out! You’re just being lazy and cheap by making the girl watch a movie at your house!” To that I say; you think I’m being lazy and not putting in effort by inviting you over for a movie? How do you know I don’t know your taste in movies and spent a lot of time researching, scouring movie lists to find a film that you will love? Did you ever stop to wonder that I put on that great movie by that acclaimed female director because I knew that was your sort of thing? THAT’S RIGHT YOU DIDN’T! Because you thought I was being lazy and didn’t even give me the opportunity!
You say you can’t get to know someone by watching a movie with them? Don’t you think we could talk at length after the movie about our opinions and thoughts, and then turn that conversation into something even grander than the both of us and have a moment in which we could be truly infinite?! No, you didn’t think that way because you were so stuck up and didn’t think I would watch 12 Years a Slave with you. Well guess what, I would. I would watch whatever you wanted, whatever made you happy, because if I am inviting you over for a movie, it means more than I want to bone, it means I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU! I would love to take you out on a fun date! In fact I have a self-made list of fantastic date ideas that I hope I can someday use(because they would be really fun). But every once in a while(every day) I just want to watch a movie! Why can’t you share that joy with me?
Then, you complain that we have to watch it on my laptop? I’m sorry that I live with my parents because I am a student, and that I don’t just take over the house and stop them from using their nice TV so I can watch what I want. I am mindful of my surroundings and therefore, am stuck watching on my laptop. SORRY that I couldn’t offer you the finest of screens! If you give me the chance of longevity, instead of a nice white house on the lake, I will build you a movie theatre of luxury, just so we can watch movies together(I will take carpentry classes first).
So next time betches, if a guy invites you over for a movie, and he invites you over before the time of 9:00 PM, he might be more than just some “Guy Who Invites You Over to ‘Watch a Movie.'” He might be a guy that invites you over to spend time with you….and watch a movie.
Stop being awful,
The Guys who actually love movies.