Sam Berns



I met Sam Berns on the first day of high school. We did not instantly hit it off, but I did instantly learn that Sam hosted his own radio show under the alias DJ Señor Berns. He was the radio stations only listener, and although his dreams of a popular radio station were dashed, along with his hopes of being Hispanic, Sam has never given up his love for hearing himself speak.

Sam’s love for his own voice eventually led him to youtube, where thousands of innocent minds became forever scarred by images of himself with blonde dyed hair twerking up on strangers like Miley Cyrus. Sam has even found ways to offend the blind through YouTube, by creating his own viral parody of a Justin Beiber song. But this is Sam’s life; a life in which he tries to imitate the celebrities he wacks off to at night. Sam’s obsessions with the stars of Hollywood is nothing like that of his own voice. Instead, his obsession mirrors that of all 10 year old girls, as Sam develops crushes on all of the hottest celebrities. Oddly enough they are always dudes.

His obsessions have gone so far that Sam brings pictures of Ryan Gosling with him whenever he goes to the hair dresser. Do not get me started on Sam and Ryan Gosling, because Sam will integrate into his own actual life anything one of Goslings movie characters does in a film. If Gosling chews toothpicks in Drive, then Sam will chew toothpicks. If Gosling played women smoothly in Crazy, Stupid, Love then Sam will play women with an equal level of smoothness. All I know is that we are all lucky Ryan Gosling did not star in Magic Mike. Although if he had stared in the film it would have sufficiently covered all of Sam`s sexual fantasies.

The thought of Sam with a thong on is personally unappealing. He is so hairy that putting a thong on him would be like trying to wrap one around a Christmas tree. That is because Sam is one of those humans that appears as if he is just a coat of hair with a malnourished body cozied up inside. It is as if he himself was a cocoon and his outer shell was just hair. If you ever met him you would initially get the feeling that his mom is Jewish and dad is Alf. But despite these hairy drawbacks, Sam does not struggle with women, for wrapped in that cocoon of body hair is a man filled with confidence. In this respect you may think Sam is impersonating Austin Powers, but this hairy bachelor is just who Sam is.

In Sam’s spare time he likes to imagine that he is a superhero. And although the most dangerous part of Sam’s daily happenings is likely avoiding masturbating to the collection of Ryan Gosling posters hoisted on the ceiling above his bed, Sam still relentlessly pursues his dreams of fighting crime. Sam has big aspirations, and when he grows up he wants to be Batman. This is a selfish superhero wish, because I do not know if the story of Batman is popular, but spoiler alert, he only becomes Batman after his parents are murdered. So kids, by wishing to be Batman you are inherently wishing death and murder upon your parents. Okay, what I just said may be the least kid friendly thing to have ever been appeared on a computer screen.

But still this darkness which surrounds the life of Batman has not deterred Sam from trying to live out his dream of becoming The Dark Knight. Let us all face it, at the end of the day who does not aspire to be secret best friends with Morgan Freeman, and drive around the Batmobile? And though we will never truly know whether or not Sam is secret best friends with Morgan Freeman, we can find comfort in knowing that his mode of transportation in no way resembles the Batmobile. In recent Batman movies the Batmobile appeared in the form of a 2.5 tonne hunk of heavily re-enforced steel, loaded with an engine capable of going hundreds of miles per hour, and even capable of flying. In his best attempt to replicate this piece of machinery, Sam went out and purchased an electric scooter, which he has aptly named the bat scooter. Obviously the Batscooter differs from it’s predecessor, instead of weighing 2.5 tonnes its total weight is the same as the guy sitting on it at the moment, and instead of having an engine with the capabilities of high speeds, or that is able to fly, the scooters top speed maxes out at approximately 30 kilometers an hour. Side note: Scooters are the only motorized vehicle on the road that can be crushed by a smart car, and are also the only thing more douchey. If you ever wanted a sure-fire symbol that Sam has failed in his attempts to be Batman let me provide you with one last thought. Did Batman hide his face with a mask to cover his identity? Or did he do so because he was required to by law to wear a helmet in order for him to drive his Batscooter through the bike lane at 30 kilometers an hour?

Other than our luck with the women, love for Ryan Gosling, and a desire to have our parents murdered Sam and I are very similar in nature. Truly we are rarely ever separated. We went to the same high school, go to the same University, live in the same house, share the same toilet, and used the same structure on this exact joke. Truly I could never use that toilet without Sam there to encourage myself, it just would not be the same. Who would drop Ryan Gosling quotes as I drop deuces? Okay so the truth is out, I also like to hear Sam talk.

In fact I like Sam’s opinions so much that we have partnered up in a move that will change the internet as we know it. Thank you for reading, and welcome to!

– Jacob Balshin