Jacob Balshin



I met Jacob in Grade 9, then met him again in Grade 11. You ask, how can you meet someone twice? The answer is simple- But let me explain it in a jagged, convoluted, poorly structured narrative.

I met Jacob on the first day of high school. He was your typical douche bag who was known to have make out threesomes, and confidently put every person around him down- because that’s what cool dudes do.  Also, he had a pet pineapple with his namesake; Jacob Jr.  Jacob bullied me for the first week of 9th grade but I tolerated it because I had no friends. Eventually, after weeks of torture I stopped talking to Jacob and did not see him for two years as he switched schools or entered the sex trade- not sure which is the truth.

I met Jacob for the second time in grade 11. He was different. His ego had imploded, he could barely speak without mumbling- let alone insult someone, and he was balding. Because we were both effectively losers, we hit it off. I’m not sure what happened between the time of our meetings, but you could bet your bottom dollar it involved a butt plug.

Today, Jacob and I are roommates. His soul continues to deteriorate, as does the hair on his head. Jacob is pale as he never sees the sunlight which can be attributed to his phobia of people. The threesomes no longer happen, and twosomes rarely occur as Jacob is the most judgmental person I have ever met. No kidding, the next girl Jacob kisses will be his future wife, I promise you that. He is so stubborn in terms of what he is seeking in a tongue tying mate. If the girl does not meet the following criteria, they have “the worst personality”(according to Jacob):

  • Think everyone around her is a loser for enjoying what people her age do i.e. bars, clubs, smiling
  • Have a good taste in music. If she likes one bad song, she has the worst taste in music.
  • Breathe. They must be lifeless(is Jacob a necrophiliac or does he just enjoy people without excitement- You decide).

Despite all his short cummings, Jacob and I get along really well, we share a similar sense of humor, a love for movies, and a roommate named Stuart who is effectively the love child of Edgar Allen Po and an asshole, but enough about Stu. One thing we don’t share is the ability to function in uncomfortable situations. The problem for Jacob is that any interaction outside his bedroom is uncomfortable, and even the ones in his room are pretty uncomfortable(yes I mean the frequent masturbation). Jacob wants to meet Miss Perfect the only issue is, he thinks PRESTO she will appear out of nowhere in our house ready to date. Jacob and I attempt to go to parties, bars, speed dating sessions, but Jacob basically shuts down in these scenarios. He will constantly belittle the activity and the people participating. If someone goes to a bar for a drink, they must be the biggest loser of all time.

After taking a Intro to Psychology course with an above-average mark of 74% I would say I have successfully analyzed Jacob. I think I have made Jacob come off as a complete loser(good, he deserves it for those weeks of freshman torture) but even with all these terrible characteristics(anti social, pessimistic, unsure, etc) Jaocb is a genuinely sweet guy. His unique outlook on life gives cause to his many great ramblings, debates, and absurd notions. He’s the type of guy that would visit you in the hospital with flowers if you got hit by a car. He enjoys spending time talking to animals(stray, spade and neutered, imaginary, any). He would cook you lobster tail on a Tuesday because why the hell not have lobster tail on a student budget on Tuesday?

To sum it all up, Jacob is one of my best friends. He’s a balding, down on himself, pessimistic enigma. But I love him, and so should you.

– Sam Berns