This is the story of the time that I met a child predator. When I typically approach a girl at a bar with that introduction I forget to give them my name along with the story, and I only end up telling them that when I was in Grade 11 that I met a child predator. This can tend to make the proceeding conversation a bit awkward. I mean it has got to be very hard for a woman to speak with a random stranger at a bar about the time he met a child predator, when she has to constantly try to figure out the guy’s name. Needless to say I have not successfully met any women at bars.
But I did successfully meet a child predator one time. I know what you are now thinking “Jacob, where did you meet a child predator?” Well my friends the answer to this question is not simple; I did not pick him up at the bar, and he did not pick me up in a habbo hotel chartroom. No, instead my child predator and I met each other inside of my house. Yeah it is weird, because from what I have now gathered he had not been invited there. He actually had broken into my house. Please calm down before you jump to any conclusions here, thankfully he was not the kind that was into the little boys, or atleast he was not into a boy in grade 11 with the body of a little boy. And everyone in this story is relatively safe. At least my older brother who was sleeping at the time, and me are safe parties.
I am not sure if it is typical for anyone reading this to skip their Grade 11 Media Studies class only to go back to their home to find a child predator is inside, but if you are ever in such a predicament here are some clear signs that will allow you to recognize it. 1) Child predators who like girls will typically will in your sister`s room, or if you are really unlucky that is actually your room. 2) The child predator will be holding your sisters underwear, or once again if you are of such luck it will be your underwear. 3) It does not matter whose underwear is being held, or in whose room this holding is going down in, but you are going to feel extremely fucking weird. One and two are not guaranteed, but the third sign is.
I recently read an article that stated that the Seattle Seahawks fans broke the Guinness world record for the loudest decibel level ever to be achieved at a stadium, thus solidifying their fans nickname as the 12th man. Guinness was not around to measure the decibel levels in the Balshin house on the faithful day I met a child predator, but I am sure that my initial reaction to meeting the child predator broke any records that had been previously held for loudest mark achieved by a dude finding a child predator in his sister’s room. That’s right – as opposed to being the big hero of the situation who reacts instantly to seeing a man in his house, instead I did the absolute opposite; as I froze in one spot and let out a shriek suited for any gruesome horror movie. Fortunately for me the child predator was very scared of little boys, or had very sensitive ears, because his reaction to seeing me was the exact same as mine to him.
For those of you now keeping score at home, right now it is the child predator and me standing face to face in my little sister`s room screaming gibberish at the top of our lungs at one and other. This eventually catches the attention of my older brother, who has just been woken up from his slumber to find this very predicament unfolding before him. For those of you who have woken up on the wrong side of the bed, it is a completely different experience altogether then waking up to a child predator, and your brother screaming at one and other inside your sister`s room. Fortunately for me, my brother reacted like the hero of the story, which I made mention of earlier. He walked in and threw the intruder to the ground. Unfortunately when they landed on the ground the child predator landed atop my brother, and immediately I reacted by jumping a top the child predator, pulling his hair, biting him, basically any attack which would never be featured in a violent movie – all the while I continued my gruesome gibberish screams. As the melee ensued I grabbed at and bit at anything that got in my way, until the child predator eventually ran out of my house screaming.
And that is the story of how I met and eventually sexually assaulted a child predator. My name is Jacob Balshin by the way – and this one goes out to all the ladies…well I guess the fellas too, but mostly only the ladies!